Paranoia in the gambling den

A disturbing shift is taking place on the UIC campus, specifically considering our gambling-fiends. The UIC world of athletic betting has been flipped on its head as of late, and the culprits for this change is the Men's Tennis Team.

UIC Men's Tennis has been on a winning-streak as of late, racking five straight wins with the recent victories over Villanova (5-2) and UMKC (7-0). Sports gambling, traditionally founded upon notions like the 'long-shot' and 'chance' is making a prompted move to more stability.

The combination of winning-streaks and economic desperation has brought smart investors into the world of UIC gambling. High stakes are now risk assessments, as adrenaline-addicts are slowly being marginalized by cheap business majors. The crazed "all in" crowd don't take too kindly to this new bunch, and the thinly veiled hate is bound to explode

How could this be? Why was one of the most reckless and irresponsible vices that organized sports has to offer degrading into a breeding ground for easy investments and safe returns? My instincts told me it had something to do with this new winning streak. So to get to the bottom of the matter, like any good journalist, I set up the Sports Desk at a nearby gambling den.

The pristine-bourgeoisie flavor of the Hindsdale Racquet Club, UIC Tennis' home away from home, offers a stark contrast to the decrepit backroom of which I found myself. The strong fluorescent lights of the court were no match to the neon glows which illuminated the hallway where I set up shop. They 'fans' began to congregate around like staved hyenas. These were no ordinary Tennis fans, but they focused on the events of the game as if their lives depended on it.

Deadbeat dads mingled with MBAs and douche-bag investment bankers. Amphetamine-jacked banshees stood shoulder to shoulder with market analysts and statisticians. Indiscernible and outlandish outbursts from one group created a symphonic collage with the timid hum's and recitations of formulas by the other.

The sheer sense of teetering on the edge of an all out street-fight was in the air. This was pushed to a crescendo when word struck of Senior Sebastian Lystad's victory. Lystad instills as much faith in the average UIC tennis fan as God does for the Pope. This is not good for adrenaline-fiends, especially when money is at stake. Lystad took victory like a narcoleptic takes a nap, defeating both the Wildcat's Alex Lesser and The Kangaroos' Bret Berryman.

This outcome was feared by the addicts, welcomed by the investors, but expected by all. A warped sense of panic struck some while others collected their meager winnings. Yet all hunkered down for the next round of results.

Horizon League "Player of the Week" Luis Gonzaga solidified two victories in singles play, with the public flogging of UMKC's Serge Ristivojevic and Villanova's Mike Taylor. When word reached the sports desk of how the match degenerated from sport to spectacle, a small donation jar was started send to Ristivojevic's and Taylor's family. As of publication, word has it the donations never made it out the door.

This may be due to the blue-light. This little trick comes from the days of prohibition. When the cops were on the way, this little guy would be triggered to signal for every body to get the hell out. Just as the jar was coming to pass, I tripped the switch and sent the whole place running like Godzilla was at the door. They were out of hand anyway, the look of fading sanity visible in their blood-shot eyes. There's no telling how long this sad lot can hold out if the Men's tennis team continues on this path. But with the way things are looking, we're bound to find out.