What meaning do those words hold, when spoken in a bar between a man and a woman? Does the meaning change when the setting changes? What if instead the situation involved a woman talking to another woman in school? It may not be enough to generically compute the combined definitions of the words to know where the speaker is coming from, nor what he or she is hoping for. For some at UIC, the readiness of someone else's words to be interpreted as a come-on remain ambiguous, regardless of sexual orientation.
Robert Sanoshy, a therapist and coordinator at the Center for Contextual Change believes in more situations than not, what is lacking is direct communication.
"We still look at sexual behaviors as very much taboo. While I think we've come a tremendous distance as far as a more generalized acceptance of non-heterosexual identity, we have not yet embraced sexuality. The difference is, I think we're more okay with alternative sexualities, but we haven't embraced sexuality as a whole. We all have our label whether straight or not but beyond that, we're not really dialoguing about sexuality. We're comfortable about knowing the label, but as it relates to dialogue and behavior - it doesn't happen enough," said Sanoshy.
The distinction between general public comfort with the knowledge of sex identity versus sex itself is highlighted by the difficulty experienced by members of the growing categories of sexual identity.
Sanoshy explained: "Other people's sexuality freaks us out - not necessarily their label, but who they have sex with, if they want to have sex with us...and even why we want to have sex with the people we want to have sex with."
On this campus, the possibility exists of meeting someone who does not fit into the stereotypical gender/sex role as either a straight male or straight female, as well as meeting people who do. Not only does the possibility of meeting them exist, but also the possibility of "hitting on" any number of these students, as well as being "hit on" yourself. Unless by their own personal desire, no student is required to wear some identifying attire to take the guess work out of their sexual preference to passersby.
According to the UIC portfolio available at www.uic.edu, the University enrolls almost 25,000 students in undergraduate, graduate, and professional programs. For a campus not nearly the size of its sister school in Champaign-Urbana, the chance of sexual orientation being misinterpreted on campus is not unrealistic.
"Sophomore year first semester, I had class with this one guy. I was really attracted to him, so I started flirting, and he responded really well, so I was like, 'Ok, he's responding', so I asked him if he wanted to hang out some time, and I was freaking out because I thought it was a date. Then he asked if it was a big deal if his girlfriend could come along and I was like, 'Shoot,'" recounted Chris Lardizabal, a Marketing Major who is openly gay.
Prior to the big question, Lardizabal had summed up what he took to be tip offs that the prospective date was mutually interested: "I would lightly tap on his arm and he would just take it, but he never did it back to me and I guess that's where it got grey."
The grey area Lardizabal mentions is where one person ends up speculating as to what the other person means because there is no direct dialogue to confirm or reject the romantic interest.
"Behavior is becoming more fluid. Emerging adults are more comfortable pushing the boundaries of behavior. More straight guys are then maybe not as worried about acting masculine as they have in the past. We're doing things differently in our behaviors, but we're not talking about it," commented Sanoshy on the difficulty of reading behaviors that don't necessarily fit into rigid gender/sex role definitions.
Zak Arctander, a senior Studio Arts major, recalled being hit on by another male while living in an area of California with a large population of homosexuals. Standing outside his home talking on the phone in the middle of the day, a man he didn't know approached him and interrupted his phone call.
"This guy was wandering around me and he finally came up to me while I was on the phone. He said 'Hi' and so I said 'Hi', but I was still on the phone. He asks me, 'Wheres the party?' and I didn't know what he was talking about. I don't remember what I said, but he just hung out for a second, which was awkward, and then he left."
Once again, no direct dialogue took place to clarify a number of issues that came up in Arctander's situation with the 'party-hunting' man.
"The context of random interruption, the connotation of 'partying'. And it was the middle of the day. So, it wasn't 'party time'," Arctander reasoned as the cues that signaled the man was coming onto him in the first place.
The ability of the 'party-hunting' man to approach a stranger in the middle of the day without a party, alcohol, or some exterior circumstance to make meeting an easier task show the risks involved with hitting on someone.
"You have no way of knowing if someone wants your attention or not. Let them give you the opportunity to let you know if they want your attention. And if they don't want it, it's their responsibility to let you know in some respectful way," commented Sanoshy.
An instance more common to the college experience with flirtation takes place on the dance floor at clubs.
The environment, described by Katrina Fajardo, a double majoring senior in Marking and International Business, is: "You don't really talk. You just go up there and assume the position on the dance floor."
Fajardo recounts an instance at a club. Dancing with a man she'd never met before, she noticed that instead of the usual grinding, he was dancing near her, doing his own dance moves.
"He wasn't jumping on it. Guys just go up to you and dance physically. In club situations, they reciprocate interest by dancing with you, or they'd walk away and nothing would happen. There is a 'yes' or a 'no' typically, and I got an inbetween. I thought maybe he was gay and enjoyed dancing. For some reason, we weren't grinding where you'd feel a stapler in his pants - it was like awkward dance moves that were not seductive," recalled Fajardo.
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