A call to pitching arms

There is a war going on today that I am sure not many people know about. It's war that can only be won by sheer power, force and determination. It may even take the help of a few baseball players to defeat the enemy. Who is the enemy in this war? Birds.

Birds have been attacking planes since Orville Wright began human adventure into the air. These attacks are referred to as bird strikes, and are defined as any impact between a man-made vehicle and an airborne animal. They occur during takeoffs, landings and mid-flight of airplanes, and occasionally space shuttles.

Bird strikes have been reported by the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) to cost $600 million annually in damages. This is such a rampant problem in the aviation industry that they invented a small cannon known as a bird strike simulator to test the strength of windshields and the exteriors of planes. The cannon flings the carcasses of dead chickens and birds at 450 m.p.h. in order to see if the plane's material can withstand the impact.

I must say that I'm rather glad that something is being done about this bird strike situation because, quite frankly, I do not want to die from a plane's failure to handle a bird's suicide attack, as what happened in 1960 when a plane crashed in Boston harbor and killed 62 people. Due to this crash, the FAA began its attempt to combat bird strikes.

In 2001, while pitching for the Arizona Diamondbacks, Randy Johnson delivered a pitch during a game that hit and killed a dove while on its way to home plate. In 1983, Yankees outfielder Dave Winfield was throwing warm-up tosses and ended up hitting and killing a seagull with the ball.

I bring up these instances in hopes of seeing that these two men could lead us to victory against the birds. If these men could harness their powers and teach others how to do so, we could defeat the enemy in this war. And since the government is so into outsourcing jobs, as in Iraq with private contractors, I suggest that we outsource the job of bird strike defense to Major League Baseball players. Think about it. Wait until they retire and negotiate an affordable price to help counter this bird insurgency that we are fighting each day. It could be called the Major League Special Aviation Security Force.

You may scoff at this idea, but it's just as feasible as pouring billions of dollars into building a missile defense system and continually increasing government spending on the military.

In 2006 the Bush administration approved $19 billion towards missile defense plans by 2013. The astronomical costs that the administration has allocated towards the military and defense spending has been chided, questioned, and challenged by many throughout Bush's terms in office, but one thing remains to be done: stop the spending.

According to a new report by congressional Democrats on the Joint Economic Committee, the mismanaged Afghanistan and Iraq wars are estimated to cost $1.6 trillion. And this is an estimate of the costs from 2002 to 2008 - not even including the future costs of the war.

In fact, in the same report, the estimated cost of the war from 2003 till 2017 could be $3.5 trillion. I am skeptical of this number and would probably venture a guess and say it will be even higher, if not double that, if we "stay the course."

All the while oil prices still remain around $3 a gallon. Companies like Halliburton and Bechtel are enjoying hefty profits to the tune of billions from the Iraq War. Projects like the Caspian Guard (an intricate scheme that was devised in order to export Caspian oil without Iranian or Russian influence) and the new US embassy in Iraq (the largest embassy in the world, costing $592 million) have been added to the cost of the war. It seems as if we (and when I say "we," I do not include me or you, but the politicians in charge of these decisions) are setting up shop for quite a long time. And for what? Democracy? How about profits?

Projects like Caspian Guard suggest that the administration is setting itself up for one of two things, if not both: war with Iran, and/or a nice comfortable retirement plan. Sure Bush and the rest of his cronies may not be directly funded by these corporations, but you have to believe that they will not forget him once he is out of office.

The main thing that worries me is that the money that should go to the FAA to help combat bird strikes may be gone some day due to the excess financing of war.

And so the game continues. The war is funded. The troops are supported. The Democrats complain but never stop the spending.

Maybe I am listening to Mike Gravel and Ron Paul too much, or maybe I am a penny pincher. Either way, I hope that I'm not in the minority when I question this seemingly limitless government financing of the military and defense programs. I just think that the money could better serve our purposes through the services of former Major Leaguers in order to defeat the birds.