2008 Woodie Awards
Scribbles from the stalls
Off the Wall
Amanda Wowk and Chris Olson
Issue date: 2/4/08 Section: Features
At the Chicago Flame, we have taken notice to the pleas for help (and the answers) scribbled over dirty bathroom stalls throughout campus. Fortunately, we have taken it on as our duty to guide those anonymous souls towards the answers they seek one bathroom stall at a time. Below we take a plunge (pun intended) at your bathroom drama.
"Why are there no hot men at UIC?"
Amanda: Yes, ma'am, there is a Newtonian force at hand keeping attractive men from attending our fine university. The very same gravity which keeps us from being flung into space also repels hot guys from UIC with such ferocity that the only men left are, quite practically, ogres. Gravity, in its cruelty to some of the women of our school, has literally flung males high into the sky if they come within a mile of our campus.
However, let us approach such a dense question seriously. A better and more practical response is that when it's 20 below outside and the wind whips around UH so fast that it nearly knocks you off your feet, you aren't concentrating on how hot the guys are. In fact, everyone in winter looks pretty grey and depressed around here. We're bundled up like a bunch of Technicolor snowmen. You honestly can't tell if someone's hot - or not.
It's either that, or the person asking the question has an impossible standard of beauty. I'm sorry, but if anyone less than Brad Pitt has a face that only a mother could love, then all men on earth are doomed to this shallow young woman. Looks aren't everything. Someday, you'll be old, wrinkled, and saggy; enjoy your beauty while you can. The cute college co-ed appearance can only last so long.
Chris: Allow me to suggest that the men you seek would be finding you if you were worth finding in the first place. Seriously.
Let's begin with the obvious; you're not much to look at, are you? Looks are the lowest common denominator among men with respect to choosing a mate. If you're not meeting any decent men, then chances are you're a real gremlin. However, even gremlins manage to pair bond every now and then, so there's more to it then looks here. No, you're not just ugly, I bet you sit in the back row of every one of your classes as well, and can't muster up one single intelligible thing to say. Women with opinions get noticed - you obviously don't have any.
So, let's put it all together now: you're ugly, stupid and have nothing better to do then write on a bathroom wall. You repel men completely, which explains why all the men at UIC avoid you.
Off the Wall seeks to answer otherwise redundant inquiries written by real people on real property. It will appear every other week in the Flame. Although printed questions will not be accepted through e-mail, comments and suggestions should be sent to editor@chicagoflame.com.
The Chicago Flame does not endorse vandalism on private or public property - including bathroom walls.
"Why are there no hot men at UIC?"
Amanda: Yes, ma'am, there is a Newtonian force at hand keeping attractive men from attending our fine university. The very same gravity which keeps us from being flung into space also repels hot guys from UIC with such ferocity that the only men left are, quite practically, ogres. Gravity, in its cruelty to some of the women of our school, has literally flung males high into the sky if they come within a mile of our campus.
However, let us approach such a dense question seriously. A better and more practical response is that when it's 20 below outside and the wind whips around UH so fast that it nearly knocks you off your feet, you aren't concentrating on how hot the guys are. In fact, everyone in winter looks pretty grey and depressed around here. We're bundled up like a bunch of Technicolor snowmen. You honestly can't tell if someone's hot - or not.
It's either that, or the person asking the question has an impossible standard of beauty. I'm sorry, but if anyone less than Brad Pitt has a face that only a mother could love, then all men on earth are doomed to this shallow young woman. Looks aren't everything. Someday, you'll be old, wrinkled, and saggy; enjoy your beauty while you can. The cute college co-ed appearance can only last so long.
Chris: Allow me to suggest that the men you seek would be finding you if you were worth finding in the first place. Seriously.
Let's begin with the obvious; you're not much to look at, are you? Looks are the lowest common denominator among men with respect to choosing a mate. If you're not meeting any decent men, then chances are you're a real gremlin. However, even gremlins manage to pair bond every now and then, so there's more to it then looks here. No, you're not just ugly, I bet you sit in the back row of every one of your classes as well, and can't muster up one single intelligible thing to say. Women with opinions get noticed - you obviously don't have any.
So, let's put it all together now: you're ugly, stupid and have nothing better to do then write on a bathroom wall. You repel men completely, which explains why all the men at UIC avoid you.
Off the Wall seeks to answer otherwise redundant inquiries written by real people on real property. It will appear every other week in the Flame. Although printed questions will not be accepted through e-mail, comments and suggestions should be sent to editor@chicagoflame.com.
The Chicago Flame does not endorse vandalism on private or public property - including bathroom walls.
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