2008 Woodie Awards
Scribbles from the stalls
Off The Wall
Amanda Wowk and Chris Olson
Issue date: 2/18/08 Section: Features
Every day desperate souls reach out to the student body for help the only way they know how - by writing their questions on the bathroom walls. In order to alleviate some of their desperation, Chris and Amanda offer their advice.
"Where can people go to smoke pot before class?"
-BSB, first floor men's room, first stall
Amanda:
Oh, I know the perfect place! You can sit down and just chill out and smoke a blunt before your English class. There are couches, and fish tanks, and a convenience store close by, so if you get the munchies you can grab some chips. By the way, eying the fish tanks will be totally soothing to watch when you're baked.
"But wait," you say, trying to figure out the little quiet corner I'm describing to you. "Isn't that right at the elevators in SCE?"
Yes, my stoner friend, you are correct. I know that the ins and outs of UIC bureaucracies are enough to drive one to drink, but you're obviously at the point of needing pot to make it through class. You need to smoke something that smells like musty gym socks just so you can sit through a lecture. So why not just toke up in SCE? I mean, you obviously don't care about classes if you deliberately have to get high beforehand. And if you get busted for smoking indoors, which is against a City of Chicago ordinance, why do you care? You're buzzed and ready to argue some moot point in your Women in Literature class.
Maybe, just maybe, you don't need to be here at all. You shouldn't have to get high to tolerate your classes. And we're coming up on the withdraw deadline, so, if you can ever sober up enough to think about it, you can change your schedule, or just follow Chris's advice.
Chris:
I think you're in the wrong place, Chong. I mean, the big noisy city and all this cold weather has got to be killing your buzz. No, what you need is to transfer down to University of California, Santa Cruz - that's the place for space cadets like yourself.
Picture it now: sittin' back and enjoying the nice weather in your patchwork shorts and Birkenstocks while unwinding to some Phish or whatever neo-hippy jam crap you're into, not having to worry about, y'know, getting anything done. In fact, UC, Santa Cruz will let you get caught with pot up to five times before taking any disciplinary action, so you can totally chill and…well, do nothing.
Although, chances are you're too busy watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force to get things in order for a transfer. Seeing as you can't even wait until after class to toke up, you're probably not learning much during your lectures anyway.
My advice: drop out. I mean, who needs college when you could devote all your time to staring off into space and probing the fridge for that leftover White Castle? Plus, how are you supposed to sync up with String Cheese Incident's tour schedule and make it to Burning Man and Bonnaroo if you're stuck in class all the time? With professors always nagging you for assignments and your family riding you about graduating all the time, how are you supposed to find time to watch the Dazed And Confused/Half Baked/How High DVD box set?
So grab some munchies, settle into that groove you've worked into the couch and drop out. I mean, it's not like you need an education, I'm sure Wal-mart's hiring and they've got some solid benefits - that is, if you ever get around to filling out that application…
Off the Wall seeks to answer otherwise redundant inquiries written by real people on real property. It will appear every other week in the Flame. Although printed questions will not be accepted through e-mail, comments and suggestions should be sent to editor@chicagoflame.com.
The Chicago Flame does not endorse vandalism on private or public property - including bathroom walls.
"Where can people go to smoke pot before class?"
-BSB, first floor men's room, first stall
Amanda:
Oh, I know the perfect place! You can sit down and just chill out and smoke a blunt before your English class. There are couches, and fish tanks, and a convenience store close by, so if you get the munchies you can grab some chips. By the way, eying the fish tanks will be totally soothing to watch when you're baked.
"But wait," you say, trying to figure out the little quiet corner I'm describing to you. "Isn't that right at the elevators in SCE?"
Yes, my stoner friend, you are correct. I know that the ins and outs of UIC bureaucracies are enough to drive one to drink, but you're obviously at the point of needing pot to make it through class. You need to smoke something that smells like musty gym socks just so you can sit through a lecture. So why not just toke up in SCE? I mean, you obviously don't care about classes if you deliberately have to get high beforehand. And if you get busted for smoking indoors, which is against a City of Chicago ordinance, why do you care? You're buzzed and ready to argue some moot point in your Women in Literature class.
Maybe, just maybe, you don't need to be here at all. You shouldn't have to get high to tolerate your classes. And we're coming up on the withdraw deadline, so, if you can ever sober up enough to think about it, you can change your schedule, or just follow Chris's advice.
Chris:
I think you're in the wrong place, Chong. I mean, the big noisy city and all this cold weather has got to be killing your buzz. No, what you need is to transfer down to University of California, Santa Cruz - that's the place for space cadets like yourself.
Picture it now: sittin' back and enjoying the nice weather in your patchwork shorts and Birkenstocks while unwinding to some Phish or whatever neo-hippy jam crap you're into, not having to worry about, y'know, getting anything done. In fact, UC, Santa Cruz will let you get caught with pot up to five times before taking any disciplinary action, so you can totally chill and…well, do nothing.
Although, chances are you're too busy watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force to get things in order for a transfer. Seeing as you can't even wait until after class to toke up, you're probably not learning much during your lectures anyway.
My advice: drop out. I mean, who needs college when you could devote all your time to staring off into space and probing the fridge for that leftover White Castle? Plus, how are you supposed to sync up with String Cheese Incident's tour schedule and make it to Burning Man and Bonnaroo if you're stuck in class all the time? With professors always nagging you for assignments and your family riding you about graduating all the time, how are you supposed to find time to watch the Dazed And Confused/Half Baked/How High DVD box set?
So grab some munchies, settle into that groove you've worked into the couch and drop out. I mean, it's not like you need an education, I'm sure Wal-mart's hiring and they've got some solid benefits - that is, if you ever get around to filling out that application…
Off the Wall seeks to answer otherwise redundant inquiries written by real people on real property. It will appear every other week in the Flame. Although printed questions will not be accepted through e-mail, comments and suggestions should be sent to editor@chicagoflame.com.
The Chicago Flame does not endorse vandalism on private or public property - including bathroom walls.
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