2008 Woodie Awards
Why are we monogamous? Reloading the question
Touchy Subjects
Whitney Paige Green
Issue date: 10/6/08 Section: Features
Monogamy is a curious paradigm, whether we acknowledge its awkwardness or not; and someday, sooner or later, we will all feel its potential to arouse cognitive dissonance. You see, we have inherited a lot of ideas about the purposes or causes for monogamy, and it is clear that many of us are willing to question the motivation behind our "romantic" urges. But in the final analysis, can an institutionalized, romantic exclusivity ever produce the most fulfilling results?
Let's take a look at why people are monogamous. In last week's issue, we established that our society might not be able to exist in any recognizable way if marriage and monogamy were not the status quo. Several people have responded to last week's piece, some pointing out the fact that, as monogamy has come to prevail over promiscuity and polygamy as the dominant paradigm, so too has feminist theory begun to trickle down between the cracks of societies' foundations, permeating the awareness of us all. These readers have suggested "correlation is causation" in this situation: perhaps monogamy is the healthiest outgrowth - the most logical and natural expression - of the gains that feminism has made over the centuries. That's a nice idea, but I'm not sold.
I have a good friend who has a 'knack' for intriguing men and sustaining happy, monogamous relationships. I always come to her with my questions about relationships and dating - she is my 'guru' in this regard. I will never forget this one time she told me, "Men need relationships more than women do! It's because they can't admit that they need to be close the way that we can: it makes them more vulnerable. Men love to know that they have somebody out there, loving them and waiting for them." And I thought, wow… men need closeness more that women? My friend is crazy, right?
But I thought about it, and now I'm thinking that, in general, when we do not understand our drives and our needs, we make ourselves vulnerable to being controlled by them. So yeah, maybe men need intimate relationships more than women; I think that's totally possible. But either way, let's all of us use this idea - that we need to understand why we want the things we want - so that we make better choices, so that we become better people; and, for the purposes of this article, so that we figure out how we want our intimate relationships to be (and just maybe we might be able to avoid getting trapped in unhealthy relationships in the future).
If you've ever studied some religion - especially if you have ever gotten your hands on some Buddhist philosophy or some New Age literature - you might have crossed paths with this concept: the more you love someone, the more freedom you should give that person.
If you have never encountered this idea before in religious or spiritual texts, then maybe you have heard the famous song that emblazoned Mariah Carey's little icon in the minds of us all. Or maybe you've seen that "Six Feet Under" episode where G-d is compared to a tree, and we are all birds, and we are free to come and go while He is stuck there, arms outstretched.
There are many, many references to this idea, which, again, claims that the one with the strongest, wisest heart will never "grasp" on to the people he or she loves the most, but rather, will make sure that those loved ones always have the freedom to honestly and meaningfully choose to reciprocate affection. As the big MC said in "Butterfly:" "If you should return to me, we were truly were meant to be."
But monogamy, as we know and practice it, does not usually allow for the dramatic cycles that naturally occur in our emotional lives; we are not very free to listen to our hearts when we are in a so-called "exclusive" relationship. I mean, what if your heart says, "I love you and all, but I'm really interested in the new person at my job," or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"? And let's not forget that good-old, "I just don't love you anymore."
Intimate "exclusivity" creates all this red tape and paperwork so that we have to compromise our feelings for the sake of practicality. Why don't we establish a system that naturally supports the emotional changes we experience? Why are we trying to be with one, no matter what? What are we so afraid of? I mean, besides herpes and whatnot.
So, the big question on my mind is, can we ever be monogamous without trying to control our partners? And, more importantly, when we practice monogamy, are we capable of maintaining a strength and respect for our partners - and for ourselves - that will allow them to venture out into the world if they feel the need to move on? Can we forgive them for leaving us? Can we forgive ourselves for leaving them?
Or do we always have to maintain some kind of possessiveness, or sense of ownership and entitlement over our partners in order to sustain monogamy? Because, honestly, that possessiveness can be very unattractive.
Touchy Subjects is a column that appears on its own terms in The Chicago Flame. It challenges the assumptions regarding relationships, sex and, well, touchy subjects. Send all inquiries, hurrahs and complaints to editor@chicagoflame.com
Let's take a look at why people are monogamous. In last week's issue, we established that our society might not be able to exist in any recognizable way if marriage and monogamy were not the status quo. Several people have responded to last week's piece, some pointing out the fact that, as monogamy has come to prevail over promiscuity and polygamy as the dominant paradigm, so too has feminist theory begun to trickle down between the cracks of societies' foundations, permeating the awareness of us all. These readers have suggested "correlation is causation" in this situation: perhaps monogamy is the healthiest outgrowth - the most logical and natural expression - of the gains that feminism has made over the centuries. That's a nice idea, but I'm not sold.
I have a good friend who has a 'knack' for intriguing men and sustaining happy, monogamous relationships. I always come to her with my questions about relationships and dating - she is my 'guru' in this regard. I will never forget this one time she told me, "Men need relationships more than women do! It's because they can't admit that they need to be close the way that we can: it makes them more vulnerable. Men love to know that they have somebody out there, loving them and waiting for them." And I thought, wow… men need closeness more that women? My friend is crazy, right?
But I thought about it, and now I'm thinking that, in general, when we do not understand our drives and our needs, we make ourselves vulnerable to being controlled by them. So yeah, maybe men need intimate relationships more than women; I think that's totally possible. But either way, let's all of us use this idea - that we need to understand why we want the things we want - so that we make better choices, so that we become better people; and, for the purposes of this article, so that we figure out how we want our intimate relationships to be (and just maybe we might be able to avoid getting trapped in unhealthy relationships in the future).
If you've ever studied some religion - especially if you have ever gotten your hands on some Buddhist philosophy or some New Age literature - you might have crossed paths with this concept: the more you love someone, the more freedom you should give that person.
If you have never encountered this idea before in religious or spiritual texts, then maybe you have heard the famous song that emblazoned Mariah Carey's little icon in the minds of us all. Or maybe you've seen that "Six Feet Under" episode where G-d is compared to a tree, and we are all birds, and we are free to come and go while He is stuck there, arms outstretched.
There are many, many references to this idea, which, again, claims that the one with the strongest, wisest heart will never "grasp" on to the people he or she loves the most, but rather, will make sure that those loved ones always have the freedom to honestly and meaningfully choose to reciprocate affection. As the big MC said in "Butterfly:" "If you should return to me, we were truly were meant to be."
But monogamy, as we know and practice it, does not usually allow for the dramatic cycles that naturally occur in our emotional lives; we are not very free to listen to our hearts when we are in a so-called "exclusive" relationship. I mean, what if your heart says, "I love you and all, but I'm really interested in the new person at my job," or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"? And let's not forget that good-old, "I just don't love you anymore."
Intimate "exclusivity" creates all this red tape and paperwork so that we have to compromise our feelings for the sake of practicality. Why don't we establish a system that naturally supports the emotional changes we experience? Why are we trying to be with one, no matter what? What are we so afraid of? I mean, besides herpes and whatnot.
So, the big question on my mind is, can we ever be monogamous without trying to control our partners? And, more importantly, when we practice monogamy, are we capable of maintaining a strength and respect for our partners - and for ourselves - that will allow them to venture out into the world if they feel the need to move on? Can we forgive them for leaving us? Can we forgive ourselves for leaving them?
Or do we always have to maintain some kind of possessiveness, or sense of ownership and entitlement over our partners in order to sustain monogamy? Because, honestly, that possessiveness can be very unattractive.
Touchy Subjects is a column that appears on its own terms in The Chicago Flame. It challenges the assumptions regarding relationships, sex and, well, touchy subjects. Send all inquiries, hurrahs and complaints to editor@chicagoflame.com
Viewing Comments 1 - 5 of 9
charlie
posted 10/07/08 @ 6:21 PM CST
monogamy is not about possession but preference. to be monogamous is to say i like you better than anyone else. to be honest about loving someone is to marry them (putting your money where your mouth is)
monster
posted 10/08/08 @ 4:25 AM CST
marriage and monogamy are two independent ideas: monogamy is a rule of right now, and marriage is a promise of eternity. in other words, "monogamy" specifies HOW to be involved in a relationship, while "marriage" specifies HOW LONG. (Continued…)
Aree Lofton
posted 10/10/08 @ 12:09 PM CST
The world we live in today is different from the world we lived in 20 years ago and therefore many of the old rules and structures are being modified and updated to accommodate the 21st century global community. (Continued…)
pink
posted 10/11/08 @ 12:08 PM CST
Whitney,
You have put some very interesting, less talked about, key emotions on paper about being in an exclusive relationship. I have to say that an old fashion reason to stay in a monogamous relationship was 'for the kids'. (Continued…)
creamie
posted 10/12/08 @ 5:57 PM CST
Yah
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